It‘s hard to see the future when the future has been ripped away from you before. It’s hard to imagine I’ll actually give birth this time or that we’re actually having a baby. Some days it still doesn’t feel real, even when I’m looking at this growing belly or putting on my maternity pants. Who would have thought that buying onesies and tiny hats would be scary?
The moment you find out you’re pregnant is the moment you start thinking about your baby, talking to her, and planning. That’s why the moment you find out your baby has died, is the moment you feel like you have fallen through a trap door. One minute you are talking to her, the next is silence. The silence holds a heavy weight on your shoulders full of self-guilt.
One of the hardest parts of this entire unfortunate event in our lives is that I felt like I am expected to just move on and be okay. I felt that multiple people in my life said things or insinuated that ”it’s going to be alright” so “I just needed to move on,” that “I can’t stay sad forever.” Not because they intend to be insensitive but because they care and don’t know what to do with me.