It’s been almost 3 months since we lost our baby. It’s been 3 months of going to work, shuffling between kids’ practices and games, doing diy projects at home, and basically anything else to stay busy.
The truth is when I’m not busy, I have to face the sadness of remembering that we lost our baby.
The moment you find out you’re pregnant is the moment you start thinking about your baby, talking to her, and planning. That’s why the moment you find out your baby has died, is the moment you feel like you have fallen through a trap door. One minute you are talking to her, the next is silence. The silence holds a heavy weight on your shoulders full of self-guilt.
So many women who have experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss feel like they can’t be sad because there is so much guilt. It’s easy to fall into believing that you shouldn’t be sad because other people have experienced worse losses farther along in pregnancy. It‘s natural to discredit your own experience. We tell ourselves that it’s not that bad. It’s natural to tell yourself that it’s okay, or that everything is fine.
Because everybody else needs you strong.
Everything is not fine and that’s okay.
It’s okay to live like you used to, but feel sadness in your heart while you do it.
It‘s okay to feel envious when you see your pregnant friend‘s pictures on social media.
It’s okay to feel anger when someone makes an inconsiderate comment to you by saying “you can try again” or “you’re crazy for wanting another child.”
Its okay to feel like like no one understands the emptiness you feel, or how heartbroken you are.
It’s okay to talk about it. To talk about your baby.
We didnt just have a miscarriage. We lost a baby. A baby that we loved for 8 1/2 weeks. A baby that we saw on the ultrasound screen but who didn’t have a heartbeat. A baby that was taken away out of me while I was sleeping. A baby that I don’t have a picture of. A baby that we will never get to hold, cuddle, feed, or bring home.
Women often choose to wait to announce their pregnancy until the second trimester because society tells us to or because of our own fears and insecurities. Maybe because it would be easier to not have to explain a pregnancy loss if it happened unexpectedly and just deal with it on your own.
Miscarriage should not be a taboo subject. Things happen to us. It‘s okay to talk about it. Life hits us out of nowhere and sometimes leaves us barely holding on. And just when you are feeling lost and hopeless, life gives you a glimmer of light. Through the darkness, you will have realizations that put things into a different perspective then maybe what they were before.
As much as I hate what happened, I find grace and joy in little things. When I hear Brady’s giggle, I stop and listen. When Heidi tells me she has a bad dream, I spend half the night in her bed streaming Netflix so she won’t think about it anymore. It’s the craziest thing- this realization that makes you really put things into a different perspective.
People often ask me… ”Will you try again?” I think God has a plan for us that we can’t see yet. Do we ever really see it until it happens? We will wait. We will love. We will appreciate all the little things while we cope with this grief.
And I will continue to share our story.