I think about you often. Some days, what happened feels so far away. We’ve been so busy with summer, vacationing, boating… all good things that bring me happiness and time with my family. Somehow I keep going.
But other days, you feel so close. Like you were here just hours earlier. Like I was just so sick yesterday. Planning and dreaming. Those are the moments it comes flooding back… the joy, the hope, the pain, the tears, the emptiness I feel inside.
There will always be something missing. Because we had a miscarriage.
I was 9 weeks pregnant when we found out that your little heart had stopped. That you had stopped growing. The week of my 32nd birthday I found out you had died. I had to have surgery so they could take you away from us.
My birthday will always.. pretty much.. suck. Not because of you but because I will miss you even more every year if that’s even possible.
Your brothers and sisters are growing up. Driving, middle school, dance classes, pre-k… we are all moving on but I still think of you.
The world keeps turning. The days go by. But I still think of you.
I think of how I would be preparing our home for you right about now. Nesting in full swing. Only a couple of months to go until we would meet you. I think of your chubby cheeks and baby smells. I wonder how fast you would roll over or begin crawling. I think of how cute you would look trying to be a ballerina like your big sisters. I imagine how much your brother would dislike you for coming in last, taking his stardom as the baby.
I think about what you would look like. Whether your hair would be red like your big brother’s. Or if it would be curly or straight. Would you have your daddy’s nose or my big brown eyes? Would you have my petite feet? Would you love the beach?
Whenever I see other pregnant bellies I think of you. I think of you when I photograph other families. I think of you every time I see a bird flying above me or a dragonfly lands on my foot. I still think of you.
You may be gone and we will never meet you here on this earth. But some day I’ll get to hold you in my arms. Until then, I will continue to share. I will write about you. I will always love you.
And for now, I will still think of you every day and there will always be something missing in my heart.