January is miscarriage month. It’s not a national recognition and no you can’t find it on Google. It’s just “miscarriage month” to me. I lost a baby in January. A daughter. A little girl. And that I can’t forget.
January will never be anything to me but “miscarriage month.”
It’s so odd how you can be in a place of sadness but in the same thought be so overwhelmed with the joy of what you have. This place of grief is strange but powerful. Deep reminders of what should have been are overwhelming but when I open my eyes I see what’s in front of me. We wouldn’t have our sweet Beau if we hadn’t lost Charlotte. I know that now. God has given us four beautiful children.
I can still imagine her face. When I close my eyes I see her. Sometimes I see her when I’m outside. A butterfly. A cloud. A dragonfly. A single bird flying by. Sometimes I see her in the shadows of our house at night. Sometimes she’s in my dreams.
I see her face just as clear. Always smiling. Saying “Mommy it’s okay. I’ll meet you one day. Until then I’m here and there and everywhere.”
January is “miscarriage month” and I don’t think that will ever change for me. I’m done having babies and I have four beautiful children. But January will always remind me of the section of my heart that’s missing. Even in joy there’s sadness and even in grief there’s joy.
January is miscarriage month. It’s not a national recognition and no you can’t find it on Google. It’s just “miscarriage month” to me. I lost a baby in January. A daughter. A little girl. And that I can’t forget.
January will never be anything to me but “miscarriage month.”
It’s so odd how you can be in a place of sadness but in the same thought be so overwhelmed with the joy of what you have. This place of grief is strange but powerful. Deep reminders of what should have been are overwhelming but when I open my eyes I see what’s in front of me. We wouldn’t have our sweet Beau if we hadn’t lost Charlotte. I know that now. God has given us four beautiful children. I am grateful.
I can still imagine her face. When I close my eyes I see her. Sometimes I see her when I’m outside. A butterfly. A cloud. A dragonfly. A single bird flying by. Sometimes I see her in the shadows of our house at night. Sometimes she’s in my dreams.
I see her face just as clear. Always smiling. Saying “Mommy it’s okay. I’ll meet you one day. Until then I’m here and there and everywhere.”
January is “miscarriage month” and I don’t think that will ever change for me. I’m done having babies and I have four beautiful children. But January will always remind me of the section of my heart that’s missing. Even in joy there’s sadness and even in grief there’s joy.
Thsi is my first time doing the One Room Challenge and I couldn’t be more excited to make over my bedroom! This room is ALWAYS cluttered. It seems everything gets thrown in here. My bedroom is literally my room, the baby’s room, and the dog’s room all in one. Someone send help!
But really, making this room over has been on my to-do list for a while. In fact, I’ve already started painting! Some new decor and new paint while showcasing our bed as a centerpiece will for sure create a to-die-for bedroom oasis.
Check out what my ideas are for this bedroom!
Y’all know I love the modern farmhouse look mixed with a little coastal. My theme for this bedroom is still mostly “farmhouse,” with a touch of mid-century (stepping out of my comfort zone but my eye always goes to this style) but I do want it to be a relaxing space for us to retreat to at night. I love bright rooms with lots of sunlight, so creating a room that is warm, but bright is important to me!
Here’s my idea board!
I have a new sign to go above my bed from Hobby Lobby I can’t wait to share! I have this white comforter set from Target!
Next, I am going to spray paint my current curtain rods black! I will buy the wall lights and new baskets for the built ins that are already in my room.
We have about 5 weeks left in this challenge and I still have so much work to do! I’ve already started painting and I refinished my two end tables! I’m excited to see it come together!
Our rainbow baby Beau Robert Faison was born on April 10, 2020 at 12:45 pm and weighed 7 lbs 8.8 oz 21 inches long. He is absolutely perfect in every way. He was born at the onset of a national pandemic.
It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year since a day I thought would never come. My due date was April 17th and we scheduled his induction at 39 weeks. I had a prenatal appointment the day before and was still only measuring 2 cm but was completely thinned out and Beau’s head was sitting so low!
Our hospital bags were packed and we made arrangements for my mom to be at our house to stay with the other kids. Although this was super convenient and I was so ready to have him here, the biggest reason we decided to have an induction was due to COVID-19. Things were changing almost daily in the healthcare world, and I was terrified the hospital was going to change the rules again. At that time, we knew wouldn’t be allowed to have any visitors and only Gene could be with me. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without him by my side and I wasn’t going to wait any longer to see if the coronavirus would take that from me. We had initially wanted all of our kids outside in the waiting room when the baby came but Covid had other plans.
I had been having contractions all night and was still having contractions on the way to the hospital the next morning at 4 AM. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep. Since this baby was so special and our last one, we decided not to find out the gender and I think the idea of finally finding out also had me super excited that night. I slept in and out of dreams of “it’s a boy” or “ it’s a girl.” Nervous and anxious, we left around 4:30 AM for the hospital on Friday morning with our face masks in hand ready to find out if we were having a boy or girl!
We arrived at the hospital with face masks on to huge signs outside the hospital with COVID-19 plastered all over them notifying visitors of the new rules. We made our way through the checkpoint at the door and a bunch of questions which made us feel like we were living in a sci-if movie. We rode the elevator up to the labor and delivery floor and much to our surprise the hospital was pretty empty and the women’s center seemed pretty normal. A sigh of relief.
As we got settled into our room, I opened the blinds and the sun was coming up in the most beautiful sunrise I’ve ever seen. I felt so blessed.
Once we got there we couldn’t leave our room. The hospital would deliver all of our meals, as the cafeteria was closed, even feeding Gene which they normally don’t do. I had to wear a mask any time anyone was in our room and I had to wear a mask during the delivery.
Our amazing midwife, whose name is also Mary, got there, broke my water, and started me on pitocin. The plan was to get the epidural because with my last delivery, I had complications with my placenta and I was scared we would encounter that again. It wasn’t long after we started the process that I started feeling the contractions. After rocking on the ball and withstanding the pain for a little while, I told them I was ready for the epidural. I was still only measuring 4 cm which was felt like a blow because with the pain I was feeling I was guessing I was at least a 7!
Getting the epidural felt like it took forever. I was trying to be still in between suffering the pain of contractions while the anesthesiologist was poking around trying to get it right. That was the longest few minutes of my life. My contractions were so severe by this point and it was all I could do to sit there still and let them stick me.
Once I had the epidural I felt a ton better, ate some ice chips, checked my phone, and waited. Things seemed to be going ok.
When Mary came in and checked me…. Beau was coming! His head was right there and the staff quickly prepared for me to push. I was even able to feel his head before I started pushing. Gene and Mary set up the phones to FaceTime my sister and my mama and our kids who all would have been there if it hadn’t been for COVID.
Legs up. Newborn bed was ready. Lights were on. Tools prepared. Pads were down. It was time.
I think I only pushed a few times and he was here! Mary exclaimed, “ITS A BOY!” and tears started flowing as I got to hold him for the first time. It was truly a joyful moment and I can’t really even describe it in words. Beau was here. After everything it took to get us this sweet babe, he was here. I was holding him and watching his pouty lips. There’s no greater feeling than holding your newborn baby, especially after loss.
Gene cut the chord. Everyone was cheering and smiling. Happy moments. Our kids were on the other end of FaceTime screaming “I knew it was a boy!” While I was coddling Beau, the anxiety of reliving my placenta issues set in with Gene. I could see him paying attention and looking nervous, asking questions. He quickly told me sister we had to hang up. It took a little while and after some pushing on my tummy, my placenta finally delivered. We were in the clear.
Or so we thought.
I don’t even know how much time had passed since Beau was born, but things had calmed down. Mary had come in and said she was leaving and she would see us tomorrow. We were alone with Beau in the room. And I have to admit with no visitors it was kind of nice to just be the three of us. The simplicity and intimacy of it is was just beautiful.
After a couple of checks and the nurse pushing on my belly, she said she was going to call Mary to come back. It seemed that I was bleeding more than I should. I could see Gene’s face. He had that worried look again. Mary came back and as I was still holding Beau, I was passing huge blood clots and soaking the bed with blood.
My uterus was not clamping down like it should have. They called in another doctor who came immediately. If the bleeding didn’t stop I would possibly have to have a D&C to make sure the entire placenta had been removed. On top of that, I had a fever.
Let me remind you this was the start of the pandemic and the thought of me having a fever meant I could possibly have to get a Covid test and if God forbid I was positive, I could have Baby Beau taken from me. This was my biggest fear. Fear and doubt crept in. The doctors and nurses left the room and my anxiety took over. I started balling begging Gene to do something. I couldn’t be separated from my baby. All I could picture was me in a room all by myself with my milk drying up and my baby screaming for me in the nursery. I know, dramatic right? But at the time it was very, very real.
Gene took the baby while the doctors worked on me. Things weren’t getting any better. They gave me some meds in my IV that were supposed to help stop the bleeding.
The next time they checked things seemed to be improving. I sat up to eat something more than ice chips while Gene held our sweet baby boy. The next thing I remember I was sitting there talking to everyone and all of a sudden Gene was in my face shouting my name and all I could smell was a horrid smell that stung my nose.
I passed out.
Thank God Gene was holding the baby when it happened. A nurse had rushed in and waved some ammonia in front of my nose and all of a sudden I was back.
I lost too much blood. I saw Gene disappear into the bathroom. Later he told me that he went in the bathroom and talked to God begging him and pleading with him to save me. Shortly after, our doctor, Dr. Federici came in and checked me out and the bleeding had stopped. I had to receive a blood transfusion. 2 pints of blood.
It was super eerie that someone else’s blood was being pumped into my body but let me tell you.. once I received that blood, I felt 1,000 times better.
All of that happened in just a few hours. Dr. Federici came in before he left and looked at me and said, “No more babies. Your uterus is tired.” Baby number four was no easy feat but oh so worth it. The next day, I felt a ton better and we were even able to come home later that evening.
Childbirth still amazes me. The fact that my body went through all of that in less than 24 hours is unbelievable. I was so tired and scared. I had to let God take over and get me through it and He did. This birth experience gave me a whole new perspective on and respect for birthing babies.
Beau Robert, you are one year old today! It has been one whole year of loving you, feeling so much joy in every giggle, smile, watching you sleep, nursing you, and cuddling you. Thank you for making me a mommy again and for being my rainbow.
In honor of Pregnancy After Loss Awareness Month, I’m republishing the blog post I wrote when I was 19 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby.
Pregnancy after loss is so hard and it taught me not to take things for granted. It taught me how naive I was my first three pregnancies. It taught me in the wake of something terrible, can be something beautiful.
I’m spreading #palawarenesss to help people understand how hard pregnancy can be but how much harder it is after you’ve suffered loss. I’m spreading awareness to stop the perception that pregnancy is all glamorous and happiness. It’s ok to be pregnant and sad. That doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful or that you’re ungrateful. It just means your scared. Those feelings are valid. Walking into that ultrasound room expecting to hear something bad, the constant worrying, checking for blood every time you go to the bathroom and breathing a sigh of relief when there’s nothing, holding your breath in between kicks praying there will be another.. imagine feeling uncertain about every second for 9 months straight. That’s what it’s like to be pregnant after loss.
I’m here to spread awareness to help people understand that every pregnancy is different and you don’t know the journey it took to get there.
Oh, and rainbow babies are real. Very real and oh so perfect in every way. Scroll down to read the post.
Pregnancy After Miscarriage written November 19, 2019
This pregnancy has been a whirlwind of emotions so far. I will be 19 weeks this week and after losing our last baby at 9 weeks, I am still extremely nervous every day.
Every time I go to the bathroom, I can’t help but look for the one thing that has the potential to change everything… blood. Every time I feel any kind of pain, it sends off alarms in my head. Every minute of every day, I have to try not to think about what could go wrong.
Am I drinking enough water? I forgot to take my prenatals. Maybe I’m sleeping the wrong way. I’m not eating healthy enough…. All of these thoughts that I have this time around because I’ve experienced how quickly babies can be taken away.
It‘s hard to see the future when the future has been ripped away from you before. It’s hard to imagine I’ll actually give birth this time or that we’re actually having a baby. Some days it still doesn’t feel real, even when I’m looking at this growing belly or putting on my maternity pants. Who would have thought that buying onesies and tiny hats would be scary?
I’m terrified. Nothing is promised and theres no guarantee I’ll be pregnant.. even tomorrow.
Looking back on when I was pregnant with my first 3 kids, I honestly feel like I took those pregnancies for granted. That I.. got lucky.. that we made it through those 9 months that I realize now are so fragile and delicate. There are so many babies and mamas that aren’t that lucky. And I had no clue until it happened to me.
So many people have said to me, things like.. I knew it would happen for you! Or… I’m so happy you’re pregnant! All things we want to hear, but in the back of my mind, I’m thinking… when will we ever feel like we’re “in the clear” this time?
Don’t worry, there are plenty of moments where I am SO excited! We are thinking of baby names, asking about family names for inspiration, and we’ve even started buying a few baby things. We’re looking at car seats and I am planning on where to put the crib, and what new furniture to buy.
Every. single. moment. I am grateful.
Even with the worrying, I am thankful, and I won’t stop praying, praying, praying that our rainbow will be here this Spring, plump and healthy with all ten fingers and all ten toes! This holiday season we have so much to be thankful for and I will continue to pray for all of those other mamas out there who are pregnant and battling their own fears… and for those mamas who are still hopeful and trying.
maryfaison.com 